It Still Hurts
by Echo1317
Summary: Alec angst. Depressing, written on a whim very late at night or early in the morning, depending on your veiw point .


A/N This is my first Mortal Instruments fic, and I wrote it right after I finished City Of Bones. I love those books! Yeah, this isn't very good, but I got this one line stuck in my head and I had to write it down and it kind of just snowballed from there. I hope you like it. :)

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**It Still Hurts**

Alec new that every time Jace said 'I love you', he didn't mean it in the way Alec wanted. He knew that Jace would never mean it like that. He had accepted it a long time ago, and made his peace. He knew Jace loved him like a brother, and that was all.

But it still hurt.

It hurt like hell. It hurt too much some days, such as the three days after Alec's 15th birthday. And he couldn't think of anything else to do that would numb the pain enough. It didn't seem worth it at the time, to keep going on, living with a secret he couldn't even tell his most trusted friend. A secret that weighed him down and choked him. It hardly seemed fair. Alec wanted to be happy. He wanted to be with the one he loved. It was impossible, though, and he thought he had accepted that as well.

The dagger he picked out wasn't quite as sharp as a seraph blade, but it would do. Maybe that wouldn't make it easier than it already was. That was good. Alec didn't mind. The pain might make it more bearable, perhaps, proving that even as a Shadowhunter, he wasn't immune to pain, and he was not immortal to death.

"It won't be so bad," Alec muttered to himself. He was standing in the center of the weapons room. If blood was to be shed in this holy place, it may as well be here. The dull blade of the dagger still shone in the half darkness, it's handle studded with gleaming emerald gems. Alec's hand shook as he pressed the dagger lightly against his throat, drawing the first small bead of blood. _Maybe this isn't the only way, _Alec thought, lowering the dagger. He saw Jace in his mind's eye, and a new wave of anguish washed over him. Without a second thought, Alec raised the blade to his throat and sliced it open. The dagger had been sharper than he thought, and blood gushed from the wound. He gave a strangled cry as he fell to his knees. Tears stung his eyes, and, quite suddenly, the world went black.

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Alec opened his eyes groggily. He recognized the room he was in as the infirmary of the Institute. His throat burned where the dagger had cut him. He let his fingers gingerly touch the already healing scar on his neck. There was another sting, too, the sting in freshly applied Marks.

"Don't be touching that too much," Jace said. Alec's eye darted to the chair next to he bed, where Jace was sitting. He was slumped down with his arms crossed; his eyes drawn and blood shot like he hadn't slept in a while. "You've been worrying us all quite a bit. You were out for 3 days."

Alec just stared at him, unsure of what to say, or think. He was alive. Who had saved him? Why?

"You really scared me there for a minute," Jace said quietly, looking out one of the many windows, "When I found you in the pool of blood. I first thought that maybe someone had snuck into the Institute and hurt you. When I realized you'd done it to yourself-"

Jace stopped abruptly, closing his eyes and shaking his head. He looked like some sort of fallen angel; so beautiful, but so troubled and unsteady. When he opened his eyes, they were wet with unshed tears.

"Why?"

A sudden stillness struck Jace, and he thought of how foolish he had been. Had there been signs? Warnings, red lights he could've seen? Something he could've done to help Alec, to stop him before he had maimed himself like this?

Alec simply shrugged and looked away. Jace's mouth hung open in shock. They were best friends, parabatai, closer than brothers. There was nothing Alec had ever kept from him before. He was a little hurt, knowing that Alec didn't trust him enough to tell him this secret. Jace uncrossed his arms and began playing with the ring he kept on his finger. The silver danced in the firelight.

"You can tell me anything, you know," Jace whispered uneasily. Alec nodded his head. The wound burned more forcefully, and he gasped in pain. Jace quickly used his stele to draw another healing rune on Alec's neck. Alec let out a slow breath of relief.

"Thank you," Alec whispered, his voice dry and scratchy.

"You're my brother," Jace stated simply, "It's not a problem."

There was another brief silence, each boy lost in his own head.

"I don't know what I'd do without you, Alec," Jace said quietly, "I love you."

Alec closed his eyes, already cloudy with moisture. He turned his head away, and heard Jace getting out of the chair He was probably going to go get Isabelle; that was not a conversation Alec was looking forward to.

Alec knew that every time Jace said 'I love you', it wasn't in the way Alec wanted. He knew Jace would never mean it like that. He had accepted it a long time ago, and made his peace. He knew Jace loved him like a brother, and that was all.

But it still hurt.


End file.
